YE OLD THAWTZ

04.2020

the whole world is so divided. i asked my girlfriend last nite what she thinks about all that and what we're supposed to do about it. she made a very good point - "it's all vapor." i always interpret that meaninglessness in the sense of man, everything i do doesn't ultimately matter but she interprets that more as well, i know i'm going to heaven after this and YHWH is sovereign anyway so my job is to love the King and the King's People. that seems like a better way to view world events than endless anger and frustration and scrolling thru what "experts" and every person under the sun thinks about everything. it's also our real mission. avril, you was so right. why we gotta go and make things so complicated?!?

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sometimes i think we don't examine our lives and consider the consequences of our (in)actions nearly enough. other times i think we are waaaaay too self-absorbed. would we all be happier as farmers in small communities? are we too comfortable? is the disparity b/n comfortable richie riches and people struggling with poverty so great that we as humanity can't fundamentally be at peace?

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it's hard to understand how MASSIVE God is, and who the Christ is. everything is made through X, everything is saved through X. that means that i'm made through X, saved through X. and the more i submit to the kingship of X, the more X lives in me somehow. what?!? also, what does that mean for "me"? is there even a me if i'm in X? it scares me to just...disappear. i like me! it seems sort of like annihilation, but we aren't into that in X, right? maybe what it is is that i'm a knockoff version of me right now, and as X burns away the dross i'm more truly myself than i've known thus far. it's this exhalation and leap of faith that as i am more and more integrated with X i am still me.

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2020.04.08